I think we’ve all come to the agreement that laundry can be a drag. I’m pretty ok with it, I usually save it up for one big crazy laundry day and then get this huge feeling of accomplishment when it’s done. Ok…so shopping the other day, I bought some laundry detergent with no perfumes and dyes. I was thinking I’d be all eco-friendly and allergen free, who needs all the superfluous stuff anyway. Give me back the superfluous stuff. I didn’t realize how much of a reward that sweet perfumy smell is when I finish a batch of warm, clean clothes. Now, when I pull them out of the dryer, they just smell like, well, clothes. I want the sheets and jammies to smell like spring or flowers or mountain air or whatever they call it… something besides clothes! I want to WEAR spring fresh scent, not clothes. … Rip off. Looks like I need to go shopping…
just had to get that out… 
Have you seen this? http://www.flylady.com/ When I first found this site, I was so excited. I shined my sink and kept my house pretty clean for about two whole weeks. And I still try, but, well…I’ll just say my sink isn’t shining right now. It has, however, improved my housekeeping routines, even if I don’t stick right to it. I’m ok with a little clutter around, I have four kids after all. It drives me INSANE to try to stay spotless. I’ll settle for "pretty good". Or "not dangerous" or "fairly sanitary".
I hate clutter. I’m always surrounded by it, and always throwing it out. Still, as much as I throw out, I still find myself surrounded by it. And it’s not just in the house. It’s in my brain, in my life. I waste my time thinking cluttered thoughts, waste my time with cluttered activities. My family suffers, and I suffer, and even my beloved hobby suffers. So…today I’m devoting myself to declutter the brain. I’m cutting back on my obligations and limiting my "brain junk food". I’m going big. So here’s the challenge. Join me and cut out some of that inanimate "clutter". What’s going?
For me: 1. Message boards. I’m cutting back. 2. some scrap obligations. Even too much of a good thing can be bad. It hurts me to do this, but do it I must. 3. Journaling. I just can’t be thinking of stuff to write on my pages. (Ok…just kidding. That’s the best part!) 4. Planning. Not cutting that out, DOING it more. Got to organize all this brain junk.
Hopefully this exercise will help me get that balance I keep saying I need.
March 29, 2005 at 11:50am
This is my smile of the day.
March 28, 2005 at 12:18pm
She wipes a tear, slowly closes the book, and gently sets it down. She draws a deep breath, holds it for several seconds, and exhales slowly. Her eyes adjust to the scene before her. Surely this can’t be real, she thought. The scene in the book seemed so much more realistic, so much more interesting, so much more…fabulous. Her ears begin to comprehend the noise…baby yelling, Blue and Steve singing, Shrek and Donkey taunting some imaginary computer villians. And the smell…something strangely akin to a beauty parlor due to the deviled eggs left on the counter, a remnant of yesterday’s Easter festivities. If only I could quickly change the page, she thought, skip forward to the part where the husband returns to a lovely home-cooked meal amid shining floors and well-mannered children, though she knowingly concedes that part probably belongs to a different book. If only, she thought, I could get someone else to handle this mess, bail me out of what I’ve done by spending days in my head….If only….
later…
As she gradually begins to attempt to force order on a house which stubbornly refuses to submit, she realizes that although it may not seem fabulous on the surface, this scene is perhaps even more fabulous than the one in the book. For it’s hers. And it’s real. And there’s love and there’s noise and there’s kisses and chaos and time. A future spreads out, unknown, unwritten, unlived, but hers nonetheless. And someday, when the book has been written, she’ll turn back to this chapter and shed a tear. A tear for time passed, time missed, time appreciated, time hers, time owned, time LIVED.
to be continued…
hopefully for a very long time…and hopefully not in 3rd person voice, because this is getting annoying…
March 24, 2005 at 10:05am
I’ve always been confused by that expression. Does it mean you can’t see the forest because the trees are in the way? Or that you don’t appreciate the trees that are in the forest? I’ve heard it used so many ways.
Whatever it is, I think I did that with scrapbooking. I’ve gotten so into it that I can’t see out of it. So caught up on little individual layouts that I lose the vision. It’s been so crazy this past year, with HOF and PKPT and projects and stuff (not to mention having a baby, moving, and basic maintenance of 4 kids!) that I kind of wandered off what I started doing this for. I still like my layouts, I still do them for me and not for publication, but I’ve started to worry about dumb stuff. Like being on design teams or trying to get more "out there", bigger projects…being "cool."
And I’m tired of it. Who cares? Really, I enjoy making friends and having that aspect, but most of all I love being creative. And it shouldn’t matter if I start feeling like someone is more creative than me, or has a better gig than me and let myself feel diminished by that. When I sit down to do a layout, I love that feeling of accomplishment. Regardless of who else is fabulous, I’m going to focus more on being happy with my work. I’ve been lucky that others have appreciated it, but really, that’s not what’s important. So if I never get on another design team again, never get published again, that’s ok…It’s about the forest…or the trees…or…whatever.
P.S. I’m feeling so much better today…I wasn’t fishing for compliments yesterday, but I got a harvest anyway. Thanks, pals!
I hate days like this…the insecure feeling…
Kind of like how it feels when you tell a joke and nobody laughs. That awkward feeling like I’m standing here looking stupid. And I’m so mean. Telling myself how a ponytail isn’t a hairdo, I need new shoes, my clothes don’t fit right, how can one face hold so many freckles? How did I get so many wrinkles at just 29?
I’m usually reasonably self-confident. But today, I’m just off. I’m usually very careful with the self-talk. When I was a teenager I remember somebody talking about how you should treat yourself as a friend would. How much would you like someone who tells you you’re fat or ugly or stupid? They probably wouldn’t be your friend. But we tell ourselves those things, and therefore end up not liking ourselves. So I really try, I do. Today, for some reason, I’m failing. Not sure why I’m putting this out there for everyone to see, as if being naked is going to make it better. Oh well. I said it. So now I’m naked AND insecure.
I was "almost" a bad mother. Sent Matthew to school today in shorts and a t-shirt. Normally, in California, not a big deal, however today it’s in the 50s and POURING. Lovely. As I watched him walk into the classroom I felt terrible. So I ran home, grabbed a sweatshirt and took it back to the school, walked into his classroom and gave it to him. Luckily he’s in kindergarten, where a mother’s face is still exciting rather than embarrassing, so we’re cool. Crisis averted. I’m patting myself on the back for being such a great mom. (And ignoring the fact that I could’ve been a great mom a lot easier by just paying a bit more attention!)
I just read an article in the Ensign that just made me feel so much better. I’m really feeling like I’m just doing a crappy job at everything right now and I SO needed to see this. My favorite part was where it said "The encouraging message of the gospel is that God does not often require us to perform sensational or extraordinary deeds, but rather to try to do better today than we did yesterday." I can DO that!! That is just so much more realistic and so much less stressful than I was imagining. I get so frustrated with myself and how far I am from my perceived goal. This article talks about how we can actually stifle our spiritual growth by expecting so much of ourselves. Sometimes, knowing I can’t do something just right, I don’t even try. I get frustrated and give up. And then beat myself up about it.
It also said that our conscious is there to guide us, not just make us feel bad. So YES, I need to improve. But NO, I don’t need to completely turn around by tomorrow. It’s a journey, and I need to take diliberate steps, but not expect to reach the destination more quickly with just a burst of effort.
I need to make an honest accounting of myself. And here it is. I’m a mother with 4 small kids. I love them dearly. And they know that. I feel that is my greatest accomplishment. Yes, my house sometimes suffers because of my love of scrapbooking and the internet (usually related to scrapbooking, thus my imbalance!) and I need to improve in that aspect. But am I a crappy mother? No. Maybe a crappy housekeeper, but really, not that bad. I’m ok. And I can stop beating myself up, and just try to be a little better, manage my time more efficiently, and just forgive myself for the times I don’t match up to my expectations.
On another topic…I did finally get dressed today. (YAY ME!!) and bought myself a book. I’m so looking forward to it! I haven’t read a book in way too long.
March 21, 2005 at 10:48am
so much for being better, more balaced, on-top-of-it today…10:30 and I’m still in pajamas.
by Shannon Montez
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