As I mentioned before, I’ve never been SUPER cool. But I’ve been pretty cool. And I could always make up in personality what I lacked in style and looks. But I went to the mall yesterday. And it was very nearly traumatic.
I went to pick up, of all things, a waterproof mattress cover for one of the kids beds. I thought we had one on a particular bed, turns out we didn’t and well, hopefully Febreeze will do what it says it does. While there, I thought I would look around, maybe get something new for myself because heaven knows how badly I need new clothes. The more I walk around, the more self-concious I become.
I’m pushing around a double stroller (covered in lunch), the toddler using the aforementioned mattress cover as a pillow, her hair out of control because she has yanked out her clip. The baby has refried beans on his shirt from lunch. My hair is in a ponytail, my clothes are from Target, my shoes are comfy but OLD. I’m pretty sure when I walked into the "cool" stores, the cute little clerks there are praying I don’t buy anything from them because their other customers would stop wearing their stuff if they saw ME in it. I’m the epitome of uncool in that moment. And SO feeling it.
How did this happen? I know how it happened. 4 pregnancies in 7 years, my body has never stayed at one size for more than a month or two it seems. I keep waiting to buy "good" clothes until I’ve lost weight or stopped nursing or have more money…and in the meantime, just choose something that’ll do for the time being off the clearance rack at Target while I’m there buying diapers. And now that I’m almost done nursing? My body looks OLD. Not quite time for a new bra, but the old one’s not doing the trick either. (Too much information, I KNOW!!)
I’m doing it. I need to be a superhero today. I could really use the magic powers.
*edited to add*
I did it. I will soon be the proud owner of my own personal rainbow, my own magic charm, my own superhero costume. 
One more thing…How does SHE look so COOL doing the same thing? Must be the stripey capris. Putting them on the list. (I swear, this is the cool barbie version of me. With Franklin and Sophia. She’s got freckles, the blonde toddler has a messy face, and the baby with dark hair…she WANTS to be me, she WISHES she was me.)
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. 
I finally got January done. Patting myself on the back, polishing my halo.
by Shannon Montez
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