Dave told me yesterday he’s had a nagging worry that I’ve been unfaithful. Truth is, I have. Not with another man, but with a group of women. Emotionally. Fact is, I haven’t really been ANYWHERE emotionally. Kind of numb. Absent. Drugged.
I’ve realized that I have a problem. I am in my head or in my little internet world TOO MUCH. I’ve worried more about deadlines or garden girls or color combinations more than I have real issues, like my husband and his very real stress right now. I spend all my free time with something scrap-related. And I’ve gotten off-balance. Funny thing is, I am keeping up appearances pretty well. Doing things with the kids, keeping the house clean, DOING the right things, but without being fully present. It’s about attention and priorities being in balance and I’ve let my hobby slip too high on the list. So that it’s pretty much been number one. When I got married, Dave and I promised we’d make each other the number one influence in our lives. We’d be each other’s biggest supporter. And I’ve let down my end of the bargain. And that’s not ok.
I’ve been settling for pretty good. As I mentioned, on the surface, I’m looking like I’m doing things just fine. But with a little more attention and focus, I could go from being a "good wife" to being a great wife. And from being a "good mom" to a great mom and from a "good friend" to great friend. Maybe even "good" scrapper to great scrapper. I’m settling for B’s because they’re easier, but I could be and SHOULD be a straight-A person.
I’m not at all saying I’m quitting. Because I totally think it’s good. And that’s part of the trap. It IS a worthwhile use of my time. But in moderation. I’ve gotten off kilter. I need more. Books, interaction, thoughts. Even my real-life friends have felt replaced at times by online ones, people I’ve never have and maybe never will meet. The REAL in my life has taken a backseat to the imaginary. I’m letting the real relationships slide by innattention because I’m using more emotional energy online than I should.
I’m pulling in the reigns. NO computer while the baby is awake. I’m turning it off to keep me from being tempted with "a quick email check" or "what’s going on at 2peas" and getting subsequently sucked in. And even when he’s asleep, I’m limiting it to an hour online. The rest of the time needs to be spent doing other things. Still restful, still nice deserving things, like reading a book or ACTUAL scrapping. So maybe one day I’ll cruise the gallery. Another day I’ll read blogs. But I’m no longer going to use all my mental energy on a place that is a black hole. The internet, while interesting, must stay in the background. It needs to be the wallpaper instead of the furniture. I feel bad for letting it get this way.
I resolve to be a more conscious presence in my REAL life, not just on the surface but deep down. I’ve said this before, but this time I really mean it. And I’ve already made the steps to replacing the wasted time with real activities. I’m letting go of some of the hold this has gotten on me and just scale it back. I love you girls. Really. But I love the REAL people in my life even more. I doubt it will look different to you, but my priorities are changing from now on. You all are falling lower on my list. No offense. 
Neighbor stories must still be told, however, so don’t leave me!
by Shannon Montez
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