I’m a good little Mormon girl. I try to do what’s right. I try to walk the talk, do what I say I believe. Not for other people, but for me. Nothing makes a person unhappier than going against what they know in their heart. So I try. But I fall short. SO short of where I know I could be.
I’m SO imperfect. I have this thing with perfection. I love the idea of it. And I shun it at the same time. When I do my daughters’ hair, I NEVER have a straight part. Not even remotely. My makeup…I forget to wear lipstick most of the time. I won’t change my shirt just because it has boogers or food stuck to it (well, I do if it’s REALLY bad or I’m going somewhere without kids). I fought scrapbooking for a long time because "perfect people" do it. I’ve actually had a struggle with this whole flylady thing because I’m not even sure who I am with a beautifully clean house. I love it, and it scares me. Yet I dream of being perfect. Of having the beautiful house, the perfect kids, the perky boobs, the well-balanced diet, the homework done on time, the straight-A students, the balanced budget, the clean windows and cars and toilets and showers, the family prayers and scripture study and spiritual discussions. I want that. I FEEL BAD that I don’t have that. And some how, I fear it. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to fail. Maybe I don’t want people to think I’m better than them. Maybe I’m just saying that imperfection is such a part of me that I don’t even know myself without it. So I put my imperfection out there for everyone to see. Probably too much.
It’s true. I’m a hypocrite. And I think we all are sometimes. That’s the thing with having a goal. You fall short sometimes. Most of the time. And when people know you have these standards and fail to meet them, they get disappointed for you. Especially when they don’t share the same standards, for some reason. It makes me crazy that people think religious people are a bunch of hypocrites. Of course we are. So is everyone else that has ANY kind of standards. You just fall short sometimes. We say one thing and do another sometimes. Everyone gets weak. But that’s no reason not to at least TRY to live your life according to some good principles, high standards.
So about the word. I swore in that last post. Many of you probably didn’t notice. Others of you were shocked, because I try not to use that language. I fell short of my standard. I rarely swear. Fact is, my day sucked. That was the FUNNY part. The part I could talk about with only ONE such word. 
I didn’t say it to be cool. I didn’t say it to get laughs. I said it because it was me in that moment. I don’t regret it. I try to be real. To be myself. I try not to put up a front, because I HATE fronts. I don’t want people to think I think I’m something I’m not. (say that five times fast!)
But then again, the whole blog thing IS a front to some extent, because I chose what will go up here. I choose what parts of me to let you see. It may be an accurate picture, it may not be. I can’t really tell, because I see through my own eyes. I thought of the blog as a way to communicate with friends and family, to write what was on my mind, to record my life. Because I wasn’t keeping a good journal. Something about the blog keeps me writing. Pretty sure it’s the feedback, the support, the comraderie, the feeling of having an audience, of not being alone. I know I don’t do it to seem cool or better than anyone else or (gasp) perfect. Maybe my imperfection shocks you, my willingness to share it, it’s not to make myself seem better than someone who prefers to keep their imperfection private. It’s just me. It may seem glorified by the way I write, or the fact that I even spend the time putting it out there…I’m just finding things to talk about. Stuff that is on my mind. Not perfection, not imperfection, not cool, or "in"…just me. Imperfect, hypocritical me.
(yeah…and if you managed to 1.get though and 2.make sense of that post, CONGRATULATIONS!!)
by Shannon Montez
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