I’ve started this post so many times and can’t figure out, really, how to start sharing the treasures I’ve found. I’m sure they’re personal, that they mean more to me that to someone else, but at the same time, if it helped me, it might be good information for someone else. Also, to explain why they mean so much to me, I may need to risk being quite vulnerable. But I guess that’s part of what I’m trying to accomplish. So I want to share. Besides, sharing is one of the 12 steps. (more on that later)
About the book. I feel like this book changed me. It held up a mirror, it shone a light into the dark places I was trying to hide. It helped me realized that shame and guilt are the fuel I’d been running my life on. Yes, it can make you move. But it does so at such a great cost. I need to find something healthier to fuel my life. (more on that later as well)
I typed up all my notes, but then realized it was so dry and meaningless. I wouldn’t be able to read it.
So I’m just going to share the points that come to me off the top of my head… the biggest ones.
- Shame causes us to disconnect. We try to hide our shame from other people, and in doing so, we hide from other people. No wonder I’d been feeling so lonely and disconnected. I’d gotten to a point where all I had left was shame, I’d used everything else up. (more on that later too) It was the major emotion dominating my life. That, along with it’s ugly sisters, anxiety and fear.
- Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to do your best. It is actually a way to hide. It’s a 20-ton shield we carry, thinking it will protect us, but it’s really keeping us from taking flight. Perfectionism hampers success, and is more about approval than growth. It leads to anxiety, depression, and life-paralysis. For me, perfectionism was mocking me. I was trying to be “perfect” in so many ways, but it’s just so impossible. And not that I thought I was ever perfect at anything, I just saw the perfect version in my head as my goal, and was always pulling up short. Where I was in anything wasn’t “there” so I was never good enough, I never measured up.
- When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.
- The goal should never be approval, but authenticity. You will never have approval from all people all the time. And so many times, when you’re looking for approval, you don’t get an answer either way… no way to know whether or not you were successful. The only person whose approval really affects you is your own. And when you’re not being authentic, you feel bad. Plain and simple. Which is kind of related to this point:
- Choose discomfort over resentment. It’s one of my new mantras. (I have a few). So often, I’m afraid of what someone will think, afraid of their judgement, afraid of their disappointment. Those are uncomfortable emotions for me. So I will either keep quiet when I should have spoken up, or agree to do something I don’t really want to do, to avoid that discomfort. But then I find myself resenting the person with whom I had the interaction. She uses the example of being asked to make cookies for the school, agreeing to do it to avoid discomfort, but then spending the time making the cookies yelling at her kids and feeling hateful toward the person that asked her and wishing they’d choke on the cookies. Ha. You know I actually can’t relate, surely, but thought it was a good example. ahem. If I’m going to be loving toward myself and others, I’m going to have to be brave and choose discomfort sometimes.
- Spirituality is required. Not optional, if you want to be wholehearted. (I found this interesting, coming from a researcher… for some reason, I take science very seriously). Spirituality gives people perspective, meaning, and purpose and is essential to resilience. She says: “Feelings of hopelessness, fear, blame, pain, discomfort, vulnerability, and disconnection sabotage resilience. The only experience that seems broad and fierce enough to combat a list like that is the belief that we’re all in this together and that something greater than us has the capacity to bring love and compassion into our lives.”
- In regards to spirituality, especially to those struggling with uncertainty, she assures that part of faith is uncertainty. The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. And extremism and fundamentalism are about choosing certainty over faith. “Science allows for ‘principles of uncertainty’ and dark holes, and that not everything has an answer. But many religious folks insist on answers that are always true. We love closure, resolution, and clarity, while thinking that we are people of faith. How strange that the very word “faith” has come to mean its exact opposite.” So true!
Here’s another video I liked. (skip the first minute, it’s like a commercial and has cheesy music)
eta: I forgot to add the part about numbing. When we do things (eating, shopping, working, internet, drinking, etc) to avoid feeling negative emotions, we also numb our positive emotions such as joy and excitement. You can’t selectively numb. Also… does Angry Birds count as a numbing behavior? I think I know the answer to that…
by shannon
2 comments